Pathetic

 

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07-11-2022

 

My border side is already tired, and it's not good that I'm saying this, because it's been active for more than a week, I remember going at full speed down a highway wanting to party and out of control; without thinking about the amount of thoughts I've had…. I even wanted to drink again... and send the pills and medicine to hell.

Yesterday my border activated after he told me: pathetic, stupid, toxic. I cried for a total of 4 hours (I would think) and there my border woke up, whom we will call Magneto (because I feel that anger drives this way of being), at first I was sad that someone who supposedly loves me treats me that way, and then I felt so silly for letting myself be treated like this and letting myself be seen crying.

After that, he made me look toxic in front of his “friends”. No excuse, but man I HAVE A FUCKING DISORDER.

People are always wrong about me, they think I'm stupid, asshole, pathetic, toxic and they're shit with me and then they keep writing to me and begging to be with them, the same thing always happens and it won't be an exception. Men do not like to be treated well, they are always hunting, they always need to like someone or add, flirt; their fucking testosterone dominates them.

When my anger is present I feel that I can handle anything. I'm blown away from being the ridiculous, pathetic, stupid, who gives everything, I'M TIRED!

This man was used to making food, lunch, breakfast, sweeping his room, serving him water, MEN DON'T LIKE GOODGIRLS, MANES LIKE BADGIRLS, law of life. I became the housewife, ALL OF THAT DIED THE DAY HE ABUSED ME PSYCHOLOGICALLY.

And here I am at xx years old, seeking to be loved like in stupid love stories, for a male figure to give me the love that I did not receive as a child and adolescent, or as an adult. By doing the impossible to make them love me.

“I study myself more tan any other subject. That is my physics. That is my metaphysics” Michel de Montaigne.

Today I cried all afternoon, I don't know how I let myself be treated badly...